


a spider's love

by katsukis_wh0re



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Love Triangles, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Shyness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:07:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28645722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katsukis_wh0re/pseuds/katsukis_wh0re
Summary: shizuku is sent on a mission in york new city. it is just her bad luck that old feelings and forgotten promises are going to cause so much trouble and heartbreak.
Relationships: Kuroro Lucifer | Chrollo Lucifer/Shizuku





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> okay so i didn't put it in the warnings cause there's no "rape", but there is some non-consensual kissing, so if that makes you uncomfortable please do not continue reading!

The air felt especially cold this evening in Yorknew city. Shizuku walked down the street with a black scarf partially covering her face. Her warm breath bounced off the fabric, keeping her from freezing. The city lights glowed and sparkled against the night sky. The sidewalk was dirty, littered with cigarettes and filth. She shuddered. Although she had gotten used to living in dirty places, there was an aura about this city she didn’t like. The menace of greed and corruption protruded every building, sidewalk, and person. If it weren’t for him, she wouldn’t be here. But for him, she would go anywhere.

_ I suppose I wanted this though.  _ Her shoes clacked against the concrete sidewalk, as she thought. 

A gust of wind blew through the street. Her short black hair swayed with it, sending her bangs flying away from her forehead. Once the gust had passed she combed down her bangs using her fingers.

Her body felt heavy and her eyes were dry.

She yawned, fogging up her glasses. Reluctantly, she sighed and took them off. She rubbed the vapor off with her shirt. 

Once she placed them back on, he appeared. Standing right in front of her, like magic.

“Boss,” she said startled, but her voice remained calm and composed. The lamp post between them illuminated both their faces in a yellow hue. His skin glistened. His black hair slicked back. Eyes beaming, like a beacon calling to her heart.

He was like the moon, shining so bright through darkness. And his presence, just as large and commanding.

“Shizuku,” he called, “we haven’t got time to waste. You are the last one. Follow me to the base and I’ll explain everything once we get there.”

_ I’d go anywhere if it’s for you. Wait, what am I thinking? _

She nodded and he went off running. Trailing behind him, she realized just how far she had come since she had first met this man. 

_ I’ve learned so much since I joined the troupe. I can’t even remember what life was like before I joined. Then again, my memory isn’t great anyway.  _ She frowned.

They raced down the streets of Yorknew. The buildings were a blur. She just focused on him. 

He moved with such ease. Like a doll. In a way, his beauty seemed inhuman as well. He glided along, never seeming to touch the ground, as he ran. As she watched, his feet seemed to get close to the ground, but right as they were about to make contact they propelled upwards again.  _ How does he do that?  _ Shizuku stayed trailing behind him, closely.  _ Almost everything about him is a mystery to me. _

They came across an area full of abandoned warehouses. Suddenly, he stopped in front of one. Shizuku didn’t have time to slow down and barreled right into him. They’re bodies collided.

_ Shit! _

He wrapped his arms around her, in order to stop her momentum. Steadying himself, he looked down at her face. Then, he slipped his hands from her back to the sides of her arms. Shizuku’s face felt hot.

“I’m so sorry Boss.” She said. Trying to hide her embarrassment. 

“It's okay.” Chrollo laughed. His voice was smooth and commanding, but in this moment it had a softness about it Shizuku had never heard before. 

He removed his hands off her arms and walked over to a metal door at the side of the rundown building. She followed him, as she held herself. Her arms crossed against her body, hands on her upper arms,  _ where his had just been _ . He knocked on the door several times, in what seemed to be, a pattern. The door swung open. Nobunaga greeted them. 

“Took you long enough.” He said in his familiar, slightly raspy, tone. 

“I didn’t want to attract attention to myself, but I see now we don’t care about that,” Shizuku said playfully “It's been a while.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t on the last mission, but I’m all good now.” He smiled.

_ What was it that happened to him again? _

All twelve spiders and the head were together at last. Everyone was sitting in their own claimed spots within the warehouse. Chrollo walked past everyone and stood at the front of the room. Shizuku stayed back.

“I’m so glad that we are all here. It feels like it’s been forever.” His voice filled the large room and Shizuku felt it ring in her chest, “We are all here, for one purpose,” he smirked and let those words ring throughout the warehouse. After a few seconds, he started again, “To wreak havoc. How are we going to do that you ask? We are going to steal everything held in this annual yorknew city auction.”

Shizuku looked around at everyone. Not a single one was fased by his words. He was the type of guy that knew what he wanted and would stop at nothing to get it. Everyone in the troupe knew that. She wished that she could be more like him.  _ Or even be one of the things he wanted. _

“We will begin preparations tomorrow. For now I want everyone to scope out the city. I understand that a few of you have never been here before. I recommend you get a lay of the land. In case things go south you should know what you’re working with.” He said with a grin. 

_ Does he want things to go south, just for the excitement and fun of it? _

He was that type of person. He played against himself most of the time, all for the entertainment of it. 

“You are all dismissed. Feel free to stay here if you want, but if you want to go somewhere else for tonight that's fine. I just want you all back here by 6:00am sharp, tomorrow.”

Everyone departed except for Hisoka and Nobunaga. Shizuku would have expected Nobunaga, but Hisoka?  _ He’s barely a part of the troupe. _

Shizuku walked over to him. “Why would you stay here?” She asked bluntly. Chrollo stood at the other side of the room, watching them.

“Hmm, I suppose it is like me to do my own thing, isn’t it?” Hisoka said, in his usual taunting, overly sensual tone, “I just wanted to see who would leave and who would stay.”

“Why do you care? It doesn’t make any difference.”

“Oh, but it does.” He smiled.

Shizuku looked at him annoyed. She never liked Hisoka from the start, or rather, she never trusted him. Most in the troupe didn’t.

“Well I found out what I wanted to know. I’ll be going now.” He waved. His voice was always so playful. Shizuku scoffed and turned her back to him as Hisoka left. 

Three spiders were left in the warehouse. 

_ I want to be alone with Chrollo. _

“Wanna play cards?” Nobunaga asked, filling the silence left by Hisoka’s absence.

“No. You should have asked Feitan or Franklin to stay if you wanted to play cards.” She replied, as she adjusted her glasses on her nose.

“I guess you’re right. I’m gonna go see where they ran off to.” Nobunaga walked out.

With only the two of them left, Shizuku realized how big the warehouse actually was. Her heartbeat quickened. His presence was so intimidating.

“Shizuku,” he beckoned, “come over here”.

Her heart was racing now. She walked over to him. Her mind went through a thousand scenarios.  _ Why would he want me to come over? _

He patted the ground next to him, signaling that he wanted her to sit down. She sat down gently. She didn’t want to be any more clumsy than she normally was.

“I’m cold.” He said softly, his hand covering part of his face “Can I have your scarf?”

“Oh yes, of course.” She said, surprised by his words. It was the first time she had ever heard him say that he was cold let alone that he wanted something of hers.

She unraveled it off her neck and held it out to him.

“Can you… put it on me?” He asked. His voice was that usual alluring tone, but there was a new tentiveness about it.

_ What the hell is he saying? I mean why does he need me to put it on him? _

Shizuku was fighting to keep her composure.

“Umm, yes of course.” She gulped.

She wrapped it around him. As she did, her hands brushed by his hair.  _ He’s so close.  _ She could smell him. He smelled like vanilla and something else that she couldn’t figure out.

After it was wrapped around his neck and face he inhaled deeply. 

_ Is he trying to smell it? _

“Thank you,” he said. He paused for a moment and then let out a little laugh.

“What is it?” She asked. Her face flushed, as she looked into his deep brown eyes. 

“It just... smells like you.”

She turned bright red and had to look away from those piercing eyes. 

_ What is wrong with him? _

Those eyes seemed to be asking so much of her. They said things that words could never convey. 

_ I can’t handle this. _

He let out another laugh.

“I didn’t want to embarrass you, but you asked.” He smiled, showing his pearly white teeth. He was like a different person. Normally he was so serious, so closed off. 

_ Why is he being like this? Is he messing with me? Is this like a prank or something?  _ She didn’t know if her heart could take it.

She blurted out, “Is this a joke Boss?”

“Why would you think that?” He tilted his head.

“I’ve never seen you act like this. I’m just confused.” She couldn’t remain composed. It was too much.

He dropped his head and looked at his feet. Smirking, he looked back up into her violet eyes.

“I’m not one to joke, Shizuku. I thought you knew that.” His voice was so smooth.

Someone banged loudly on the metal door. The same pattern Chrollo had used earlier. 

“I’ll get it,” he said. He stood up and her heart followed him, as he made his way to the door.  _ How could that conversation have ended so abruptly?  _ She needed answers and she knew she wouldn’t get any with other people around.

Chrollo opened the heavy door. Franklin, Nobunaga, and Feitan walked in. Feitan looked at Chrollo and the scarf around his neck, then looked at Shizuku. His eyes wavered as though he didn’t want to believe what he saw. 

_ Feitan. _

Shizuku looked away from him, not able to gather the courage to face him. 

_ Feitan. Why do I feel so bad? _

Nobunaga and Franklin looked confused as well, but none of them would dare to question Chrollo.

The three of them sat down at the only table in the building. Feitan began shuffling the cards. Chrollo sat a few feet away from the table, watching the game. He often did that, removed himself from people. Even though he was their leader he wasn’t like them. He often enjoyed observing more than being involved.  _ The whole reason he wants to create chaos is so he can watch it unfold. _

Shizuku stood up. The card game seemed to be getting more intense.

“Goddamnit!” Franklin shouted “How the hell are you so damn good at this game Feitan?”

“Cards easy. Just use your head,” Feitan remarked, “your head no practice, so it bad.”

Franklin stood up and kicked the chair back, “What the hell did you just say?” Nobunaga put his hand on Franklin’s shoulder.

“Come on you guys it’s just a game, calm down.” His eyes seemed a tad disinterested.

Franklin grunted, “Fine, but I’ll beat you this next round Feitan.”

Feitan smiled beneath his mask, “Why don’t you try?”

_ Boys can be so childish. Still, it seems fun. _

There was a small room where the manager's office had been in the warehouse.

_ I wonder if it has a bed? I don’t feel like going somewhere else and I don’t want to sleep out here with all of them. _

She walked over to the room

Franklin looked up from his cards and called over to her, “Hey where do you think you’re going?”

“I wanted the room to sleep in. I’m tired.” She suddenly became very aware that Chrollo was watching her.

“No way I wanted it.” Franklin groaned.

“Do you just want to keep arguing with everyone tonight, Franklin?” Shizuku rolled her eyes.

He scoffed, “God, fine. If you’re gonna be like that then just have the room.”

Chrollo’s dark eyes watched Shizuku make her way to the room. She met his gaze.

“Oh, uh Boss it’s okay if I sleep here right?” 

He tilted his head and a few strands of hair fell into his eyes, “Of course.” His look was so abrasive and menacing, but his words were kind.

_ Jesus Christ. _


	2. moonlight and racing hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shizuku is woken up in her sleep and joined.

She turned the doorknob and it creaked open on rusty hinges. When she entered, there was a desk on one side and a small rickety bed on the other. She laid down under the thin covers, falling asleep to the grunts and sighs of the ongoing card game.

She opened her eyes to see a dark figure standing in the doorway. Shizuku gasped.

“I’m sorry,” it whispered, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Boss?” She said, eyes still bleary from deep sleep. Her short hair, fluffy and tangled.

He walked closer to her till he was at the side of the bed, then crouched down. 

_ His face is so close. _

“Would it be okay if we share a bed? I realized I don’t have anywhere else to go.” His dark orbs stared into her, intently.

Her heart thumped out of her chest, “Of course boss.”

She slid over until she was against the wall on the edge of the bed. He pulled off his shirt. His body was so beautiful. The moonlight coming in through a small window illuminated his chest.

_ How can he be so perfect? It’s almost not fair. _

She remembered that she was sleeping in just a bra and underwear.

_ Oh god. _

Her heart jumped out of her chest. 

He lifted up the covers and glided in. The bed was only a twin, meaning there wasn’t much room for the both of them. They faced each other. Eyes shining through the darkness. Her face was burning, heart racing.

“Shizuku,” he whispered. She met his gaze so brilliantly it was like she had responded. “How can you be so beautiful?”

She couldn’t help it. The words he had spoken were too embarrassing; she impulsively buried her face in her hands.

He didn’t laugh this time.

“I really do mean it Shizuku.” His eyes were earnest and caring.

“I-” she stammered, “thank you boss, but-”

“Chrollo.” He interrupted.

“Chrollo,” she started again, “but you’re the one who is truly beautiful”.

He smiled at those words. Reaching his hand, he caressed her face. His fingers, smoother than she thought they would be. 

_ What is happening right now? _

Without realizing it, she moved her hand and pressed it against his bare chest. He was surprisingly warm.

He trailed his hand down her body till it came to her waist.

“Shizuku,” he said again. She loved hearing her name leave his lips. 

_ His lips. _

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. Her face rested against his chest. His chin sitting on her head. He inhaled deeply.  Their legs intertwined. She felt little tingles where their skin touched. He was so very warm. Her body felt heavy. His fingers ran through her hair tenderly, as she drifted away. 

Her eyes fluttered open and she realized the sun was beginning to rise. He was gone.

_ Was it all a dream? It couldn’t have been right? _

But, similar dreams often invaded her head during her sleep, so it was possible.

She got out of bed and put her clothes on. It was 5:50. Chrollo had told them to meet at 6:00, so she was fine. 

Opening the door, she saw that seven spiders were already waiting. Chrollo sat at the front of the room, just as he had yesterday. 

_ I can’t look at him. At least not yet. _

Whether it was a dream or not, she knew she could confirm by looking at him. 

_ I’m not ready to have reality slap me in the face. _

When everyone arrived, Chrollo started. “Alright everyone, today I want you all to gather intel on the auction, find out who’s going to be attending and the items that will be sold. That’s all for now. Group yourselves however you want and head off.”

“Yes boss.” The spiders said in unison. 

Feitan and Franklin walked over to Shizuku. 

“Let’s go Shizuku,” Feitan erged in his faint tone. Her heart leaped at the sound of his voice.

“Oh yeah. Umm can you give me a minute. I’m gonna ask the boss something.”

“Okay.” They said as they turned away. Franklin looked curious.

_ Why do I get this weird feeling around Feitan. It’s like I feel more attached to him than I usually am. Did something happen? _

Chrollo watched as everyone departed in groups, his eyes unfocused. He was not in that room at the moment. His thoughts carried him somewhere else.

_ What am I doing? I wasn’t going to confront him, but here I am walking towards him.  _

She stopped and turned back around.  _ I can’t. I’m not ready for the fantasy to end. _

“Shizuku!” 

_ How could he make my name sound so much more beautiful than it is? _

She looked back at him, her cheeks red. His eyes smiled, excited by Shizuku’s embarrassment.

“Come here,” he called.

She walked over to him, eyes at her feet. Making eye contact was impossible. She stopped a few feet in front of where he stood. Still not daring to look at the expression he was making.

He took a step forward, then suddenly he grabbed her and wrapped his arms around her tightly. He moved his left hand up to her head and pulled himself close to her left ear. His breath was warm. And that same scent.  _ What is it?  _

“Thank you.”

She was shaking, “For what?” She stammered.

He let go of her and smiled, “You have work to do out there, better get to it”.

“Oh, o-of course boss” 

_ So he is playing with me then. _


	3. the wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a little longer cause i realized i messed up the order of my chapters in my google doc :/

Shizuku caught up with Franklin and Feitan, and they walked the busy streets of Yorknew together, gathering intel. People along the street, chattered happily amongst each other. 

_ The city doesn’t seem as evil during the day. The people here right now seem pure and kind. Or maybe they have their guard up now. They could be faking it. Like Chrollo.  _

_ What is his goal? Acting this way, it doesn’t make any sense. Does he just want to hurt me?  _

She hurt herself thinking that way, but her mind told her it was a probability.

“Shizuku!” Franklin yelled.

“Huh, what is it? Why are you yelling?”

“Cause we’ve been calling you for the last minute and you weren’t answering. What are you thinking?”

_ Chrollo. That’s all I can think about now. _

“Oh umm, nothing. You know me, I’m pretty ditsy and forgetful. I was just off in my own world.” She admitted. 

“Jeez, okay I guess I can believe that. Wouldn’t be the first time.” Franklin shook his head.

“Yeah.” Shizuku smiled.

_ I wish they didn’t think of me that way. I wish that I wasn’t just an idiot in their eyes, but I guess I kind of am. I mean I can’t even figure out Chrollo’s motivations. And he never tries to hide anything. What’s wrong with me? _

When they all returned back to the base, each group took turns explaining what they saw and the big names that would be taking part in the auction.

“Okay everybody, good work today. Why don’t you all go get some sleep. It’s pretty late. We’ll meet back here at 8:00am tomorrow where I’ll explain the plan and necessary preparations we have to make.”

“Yes boss.” They said together. Everyone began departing except for Feitan, Franklin, Nobunaga, and Hisoka. The three boys sat back down at the table. Feitan started shuffling the cards again. Hisoka eyed them curiously.

“Shizuku, want to play?” Nobunaga called.

“Actually before you begin doing that can I talk to Shizuku, just for a moment?” Hisoka interjected. 

_ What does Hisoka want with me? _

“Umm, I don-”

Hisoka was at Shizuku’s side in the blink of an eye and he grabbed her hand, pulling her towards the door.

“What are you-”

“Hush” he whispered as he placed his finger over her mouth.

No one else said a word. Chrollo watched as they exited the building. His pulse increased, but expression remained uninterested. The wall would not fall if other people were around.

“What is it?” Shizuku whined, when they were finally outside.

He smiled “I’m doing you a favor you know. Things are starting to get interesting and I want to keep them that way. You understand don’t you?”

Shizuku looked at the ground, “I don’t understand you Hisoka, I never did and I probably never will.”

“Hmm. Well I’ll try to explain it in simple terms for you to understand. I like playing games, but unlike Chrollo it’s never fun for me to play myself. I see that Chrollo has shown an interest in you lately.” Hisoka tilted his head, a devilish grin took over his face.

Her face flushed, “Wait, what do you mean?”

“Don’t play dumb.”

“I’m n-”

“You’re his next conquest I’d assume.” He smiled, but had a fierce look of desire in his amber eyes.

_ Conquest? _

As he talked he flipped his cards between his fingers. “I plan on fighting Chrollo and since he already sees you as his property, why not use you to instigate his anger? He’s not the type of person that would fight a fellow comrade, however,” he paused looking deep into Shizuku’s dark purple eyes. He put his cards back into his pocket, brought his fingers up to his mouth. Licking them all while keeping eye contact, “he might fight me if I make him angry enough. Know what the best way to make someone angry is, Shizuku?”

Her gaze locked in his. She didn’t say a word.

He brought his hand up to her face and tucked a piece of black hair behind her ear. Then he leaned in inches away from her face. She could feel his warm breath touch her skin. She was locked in this position and couldn’t move if she tried to. 

He brought his lips up to her ear and whispered, “Jealousy.” 

Her eyes widened. He grabbed her face with both hands and pressed his lips against hers. Her mind went blank. He was so warm and his lips were so soft. He slipped his tongue underneath hers and leaned in deeper.

_ Wait. _

His slender hands glided through her silky black hair. 

_ Stop. _

She brought her hands up to his chest and pressed against him. But he wasn’t going to let go that easily. He pressed his body up against hers and bit down on her bottom lip. 

The pain brought her back to her senses. She shoved him away from her. He stumbled over a rock and fell clumsily. That wasn’t like him.

He laughed as he brought his arm up to cover his red face. Then he gave her a look she couldn’t understand.  _ Is it satisfaction? Pride? Amusement? Or maybe all of those things. _

“Why?” She whispered, as she brought her fingers up to her lips, face flushed and eyes focused on the ground.

“Oh darling,” he said, “you really are dense aren’t you? I just explained it all. I intend to make Chrollo jealous. Even if he didn’t see that just now, he’ll find out” He hugged his legs close to him and closed his eyes, “And when that happens, he’ll want you back. What’s the best way to do that? Fight me.” He paused and imagined the scenario, “Ohhh it will be great!” he grinned as he bit his nails.

“I don’t belong to Chrollo.”

“But you want to. Am I right?”

_ Yes. _

“What does that have to do with anything anyway? The boss doesn’t want me.” She stressed.

“On the contrary. He does, but he’s afraid.” Hisoka had a crazed, excited look in his eyes.

“Afraid?” 

_ Afraid of what? _

“Mhm, yes well I’ll be off now.” Hisoka stood up and dusted himself off, “we’ve had enough fun for now.” He walked up to her until he was close to her face. Then, he used his fingers to rub off the blood dripping from her lips where he had biten a little too hard. “Sorry about that. I got a little carried away.” He mused.

“God just go!” She screamed, as she hit his hand away. He licked her blood off his fingers. 

“Later then.” He waved.

Shizuku’s face was bright red with anger and embarrassment. 

“How is he always so confident? God he’s such a creep!” She wrapped her arms around herself. 

_ So why did it feel so good?  _ The thought disgusted her to her very core.

_ God what if everyone was watching us? What will Chrollo say? I can’t go back in there now.  _

She curled up in a ball on the ground. The night air was cold.

Suddenly, the metal door banged open, “Hey are you guys- Oh, Shizuku, what happened?” Nobunaga looked around, “Where did Hisoka go?”

“Don’t wanna talk about it.” She mumbled, as she walked over to the door.

“Wanna play cards?” He asked.

“Is that all you can ever say!” She snapped. She realized what she said instantly. “I-I’m sorry Nobunaga. I didn’t mean to-”

He turned to her and patted her head, “It’s okay Shizuku. I’m not sensitive or anything. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I know,” she said, frustrated with herself now, “but still I shouldn’t take out my anger on you.”

“Just go get some sleep kiddo.”

“Yeah.” She walked through the door and met Chrollo’s gaze. His eyes sparkled and his mouth was turned in a slight frown.

_ Oh God. He knows. _

She looked back down at the ground. Seeing his disappointed look crushed her. 

_ Why am I always hurting people that care about me?  _

Shivering under the thin covers of the rickety bed, Shizuku thought about Chrollo’s warmth. She longed for it. The clamour outside died down. The card game had ended and the boys were going their separate ways. 

_ Will Chrollo come now? Please.  _

Minutes that felt like decades crawled by. She realized he wasn’t coming. 

She sat up. She wouldn’t be able to sleep if she couldn’t talk to him. The guilt racked her brain. She swung her legs out of bed and her feet met the cold warehouse floor.

_ I need to see him. If he’s not outside, what am I gonna do? _

She stood up and walked slowly to the door. Her fingertips met the cold metal. 

_ I wish it was his face. _

Taking a deep breath she pushed it open. And there he was. All his elegance and beauty illuminated in the moonlight. He was like a painting in a museum. Meant to be admired for its beauty, but never to be touched.

“Boss, I-I mean Chrollo.” She called.

He turned to meet her gaze. His eyes glistened. Red lines streaked down his face, but his face was dry, like tears had been quickly wiped away.

“Please, I know you probably saw what happened outside. I promise it wasn’t what it looked like.”

“Shizuku, you don’t have to feel guilty. If you want to be with Hisoka I won’t stop you. I just want you to be happy.” Even when he was upset, he still had an angelic look about his face.

Her heart ached for him. Those words made her feel so happy, but also so sad.

“I don’t want to be with Hisoka. He kissed me. And he only did that in the hopes of making you upset.”

“If that was his goal, he succeeded, but I could never bear hatred towards you, Shizuku.”

She reached out to touch his face, but he leaned away. His eyes looked so pained and deeply hurt. He wanted her to caress his face. Something was holding him back.

“Chrollo, I want to be with you. Only you,” tears started flowing down her face and her voice felt choked, she couldn’t stop it, “I’m so sorry, please forgive me.”

“Listen Shizuku, you don’t want to fall in love with me.” His eyes focused on the floor. He couldn't bear to watch Shizuku cry.

“Whether I wanted to or not doesn’t matter!” She cried, “I did fall in love with you. There’s no changing it!”

She crumbled to the floor, eyes red and nose runny. He knelt down beside her, placed his hand on the back of the head, then pulled her into his chest. She cried into his shirt making it damp.

“I’ve been in love with you. This whole time, I’ve loved you.” She admitted, her voice muffled by his shirt.

He whispered softly into her ear, “Well don’t say I didn’t warn you.” 

Placing his hand under her chin, he lifted up her face to meet his gaze. Her eyes sparkled. His gentle smile melted her heart. Then, he pulled her close and kissed her deeply. His lips were delicate and less greedy than Hisoka’s had been. He tasted like faint vanilla and... that taste. What was it? After a few short seconds, he parted his lips from hers and sighed.

_ I want to kiss him again. _

He patted her head, “You know, I love you too. Dummy.”


	4. desperation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chrollo and shizuku confess their feelings, but their problems are far from over.

“R-really?” She asked. Again, yielding to her shock.

He laughed, “Yes of course, when are you gonna remember that I don’t lie.”

She pouted. Memory was a sore subject for her.

“Aww I’m sorry,” he hugged her tight to his chest again, “but god it felt good to finally say that out loud.”

“Chrollo I hate to be that person, but are things going to change now?” She asked, looking into his dark eyes.

“What do you mean change?”

“Like,” she stammered, “are we a couple now? Or is this gonna be a secret from the rest of the troupe? I mean, what do you want, Chrollo?” She tightened her grasp on his shirt.

“Hmm?” He smiled. Looking into her eyes, as he twisted her hair around his finger, “Shizuku, to be honest I’m not sure what’s best. I never expected to fall in love. And I didn’t really think most of this through.”

“Oh yeah I understand that. It’s just-”

“Here’s what I think, maybe we shouldn’t tell people until we figure out what we want.”

“Okay I’m fine with that.” She nodded, still entranced by the look in his eyes.

_ All I want is you, Chrollo. Whatever form it takes. I don’t care what this relationship looks like. If I’m with you I’ll be okay. _

“Let’s go lay down then, I’m exhausted,” he sighed.

“Sure.” 

They stood up. H e grabbed her hand, as they went back to the room. He gently ran his thumb up and down her pointer finger, as they walked.  Chrollo stopped before they reached the door.

“Shizuku,” he brought his hand up to her face. His fingers were warm and soft, “Is this truly what you want?”

“Yes of course!” She blurted out. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

He smiled then kissed her forehead gently, “Just making sure.”

He turned around and reached for the doorknob. _I want to._ _I want to kiss him again._ He opened the door and sat down on the rickety bed. Standing in the doorway, she looked at him. The moonlight from the little window reflected off his dark eyes and shimmered like glitter. 

“How are you so beautiful?” She asked, mouth gaping at the sight.

He grinned, “I thought I asked you that question yesterday? I didn’t get an answer either.”

“I do mean it though, you’re so beautiful it’s almost scary.”

He laughed, “Hey can you call me handsome or something? Beautiful is a weird word to use.”

She walked over to him and stood in front of him, as he sat on the bed.

“But handsome-” she looked deep into his eyes, “doesn’t really describe you either.”

“Oh yeah?” He smirked. Grabbing her wrists, he pulled her into bed. She fell on top of him. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her even tighter against his body. “Why don’t you just call me hot then? I am hot right?”

Shizuku’s face was buried in his chest.  _ God I’m glad he can’t see my face right now. _

“Yes Chrollo of course you are, but-”

“Shhh, why don’t we just sleep, it doesn’t really matter what word is used.”

“Okay.” She conceded. She inhaled his scent which perforated his clothes.  _ That scent.  _ She wracked her brain, but no matter how hard she thought she couldn’t remember what it was.  _ Why is it so familiar?  _

He stroked her back slowly with just the tips of his fingers.  _ This side of him, his gentle side. I never would have imagined it, but I love it. I love the real him, this thoughtful and sweet side. _

She closed her eyes and let herself fall into another world. Though she desperately wanted to stay in this one.

“Shizuku.” He whispered, as he rubbed her back gently.

“Hmm” she sighed, as her eyes fluttered open. She lay on her stomach. Chrollo was standing at the side of the bed looking down at her with affectionate eyes.

_ What did I do to deserve this? _

“It’s 7:30, so people will start showing up soon.” 

She yawned and rubbed her eyes, “Okay, I’ll get up.”

_ Where did I put my glasses? _

“Here are your glasses.” He held out her black framed glasses.

“O-Oh thank you.”  _ It’s like he can read my mind.  _ She put them on, as she sat up in bed. He stood at the side of the bed watching her, examining every little feature.

“Stop that!” She said, her face turning scarlet.

“I can’t help it,” he laughed. He took a step closer and clasped the sides of her face with his hands. The sensation was becoming familiar. “I love you, so much.” He slid his hands from the side of Shizuku’s face to the back of her head and pulled her into his stomach. 

“I love you too, Chrollo,” she said, voice muffled once again in his embrace. She wrapped her arms around his back and held him.

“You won’t ever leave me, right?” His voice sounded distant.

_ Why, why would he ask me that? "Ever"? _

Suddenly, he snatched her by the sides of her face and jerked her head up. Forcing her to look at him. His eyes were pools of sorrow and desperation.

“Shizuku!” He cried, unaware of his own irrational behavior, “You won’t ever leave me right?!”

“No,” she croaked “I won’t.”  _ Why is he acting so desperate? What is happening? _

He let go of her and took a step back, Shizuku, still sitting on the bed, tears rolling down her face. Chrollo looked at her, his eyes glossy and mouth, turned downturned. He turned away from her and walked to the exit. His hand met the doorknob.

“W-Where are you going?” She said, stuttering, as she wiped her tears away.

His head turned to her, but his eyes were focused on the floor, “We have work to do.” Her heart sunk, as he turned the doorknob and left the room.

She curled up in a ball, still laying on the tiny bed.  _ Why do I always have to ruin everything? All he wanted was reassurance. That’s normal. So why did I hesitate?  _

Getting out of bed, she remembered something. The thing that unconsciously made her hold back, made her feel guilty.  _ Feitan, but why? _


	5. in the end someone always gets hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> feitan shows his true feelings, but it's not enough.

After she gathered her courage, Shizuku walked out of the room to find the rest of the spiders waiting for her.

“Wait, you’ve been here this whole time?” Pokunoda asked, arms crossed in front of her body.

“Oh yeah. Sorry, I didn’t know everyone was waiting for me.” Shizuku scratched the back of her head.

“Well yeah, the meeting was supposed to start ten minutes ago. Why didn’t anyone go to check if she was in there?”

The rest of the group grubbled in response. 

“Ugh you guys are useless sometimes I swear,” Poku scoffed, as she rubbed her temples.

“I’m really sorry you guys. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” She said, while making eye contact with Chrollo. It was an apology to him.

“Thank you Shizuku, it’s okay we’ll get started now.” He said, his voice smooth and unwavering. 

_ Is that his way of accepting my apology? Or is he just putting on an act again? _

“The auction officially starts tomorrow which means I will begin making preparations for our grand finale on the last day of the auction. Until then you are free to spend your time however you wish. Although I would encourage you to not cause too much trouble before the big show.”  He grinned. It was the type of grin that would seem giddy and carefree to anyone else, to Shizuku he looked like a mannequin trying to express emotion.

Shizuku scanned the room to see everyone’s reactions. Everyone seemed to be pleased, except for Hisoka whose mouth was turned in a frown and his eyes had a glimmer of annoyance. His normally composed and even carefree attitude was beginning to break down. 

“You are all free to go. I won’t ask any more of you until that day. Of course if something changes I’ll let you guys know.” He stepped down from the makeshift podium, made of rubble, and began walking towards Shizuku. Her heart started racing, as everyone departed.

Suddenly a voice came from behind her, “Shizuku.”

“Huh?” She twirled around. The face that met her was Feitan’s, “Oh Feitan, what’s going on?”

“I need talk you, can us go somewhere?”

Shizuku looked behind her to find that Hisoka had stopped Chrollo in his tracks. They seemed to be talking about something intently.  _ What could they be talking about?  _ Chrollo looked up from their conversation for just a second to meet Shizuku’s gaze. His eyes seemed a clash of emotions. They held both anger and regret within them. Even though she only saw for a moment, Shizuku knew that Chrollo was deeply conflicted. She felt that confliction deep within her own heart. 

Shizuku turned back to Feitan,“Sure, we can talk.” She said without thinking.  _ Shit, what is Chrollo going to think?  _

Feitan walked towards the door with Shizuku trailing behind. She didn’t have the courage to look behind her. Whatever face Chrollo was making she did not want to know.

“So what you’re saying is that you aren’t furious with me?” Hisoka said airily.

“You son of a bitch, of course I’m furious with you, but I’m not going to break my own rules and fight a troop member.”

Hisoka tilted his head to the side and lifted a card up to his cheek, “You won’t fight a troop member under any circumstances?” His voice was tempting and playful.

“No. I refuse, now just leave me alone.” Chrollo looked up from Hisoka to find Shizuku following Feitan out the door. His heart jumped and eyes grew, as the door shut behind the two of them.

“You’re afraid. Aren’t you?” Hisoka looked deep into Chrollo’s troubled eyes.

Chrollo looked back to Hisoka. The normally proud and rational man was deteriorating. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Chrollo shouted.

Hisoka turned away from Chrollo and began flipping a card through his fingers. He smiled, “You’re just proving my point you know. You are terrified. Utterly and completely horrified at the person you’re becoming. Or rather, already have become.” Hisoka paused to lick his lips and looked back at Chrollo, “That damn girl is changing you.” Hisoka walked back towards Chrollo. In one swift move, Hisoka had grabbed Chrollo by the shirt. He pulled Chrollo close enough for his breath to reach Chrollo’s skin. With his other hand, Hisoka held a playing card between two fingers and slid it across Chrollo’s neck. Chrollo stood petrified by Hisoka’s words. 

“Oh, it's no fun if you don’t put up a fight,” Hisoka sighed, as he released Chrollo from his grasp. Chrollo fell to the floor, looking at Hisoka, his mouth gaped open. His eyes were glossed over. Like a deer in headlights, he slumped on the floor, stunned. 

“Poor Chrollo.” He smiled, “You know, you’re really not a bad guy at all, but your obsessive tendencies far out way your rational judgement. Well then, since you seem to be too busy to give me a proper fight I’ll just wait until you get things sorted out with that girl.” Hisoka waved, as he exited the building. 

Chrollo remained sitting on the floor. Tears began to pool in the corners of his eyes. His head slumped down. He no longer had the strength to hold it up. Every single word Hisoka had said was the truth. Chrollo was afraid. He was terrified of himself, of what he became when love was involved. Droplets streamed down his face, morning sunlight bounced off of them and illuminated the streaks.

“Why did we have to go so far?” Shizuku asked, when Feitan finally stopped running. She had been following him for the past ten minutes, zipping through the buildings and rumble of the abandoned district of Yorknew. 

He turned back to face her, “Shizuku,” he called, Shizuku had never heard his voice like this, “what is between Boss and you? First, scarf. Next you sleep in same bed.”

“Well yeah, but” Shizuku hesitated, “I mean we are technically together, but he got really angry with me earlier and I’m not sure if he’s still mad at me. And I guess, I don’t know how to feel.” Shizuku fumbled over her words, as she spoke.

“You with him? What about,” his voice began to tremble, “what, you told me? Last time you said that-”

“What are you talking about?” She asked, eyes full of genuine confusion. 

“You remember don’t you? Did you forget?” The tone of his voice carried so much pain and desperation. Shizuku hardly recognized it.

_ Forget? What is he talking about? _

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, “I don’t know what you’re talking about right now.”

Feitan dropped his head. A small giggle escaped his mouth. Slowly, his laugh grew louder and more strained. He threw his head back, as he burst out laughing. His eyes watered. He reflexively brought his wrist up to his face to hide the tears. 

_ What the hell is wrong with him? What’s happening? _

“Feitan, snap out of it!” She cried. He continued laughing, as he sobbed. She took a hold of his shoulders and shook his body forcefully. “You’re scaring me!”

He stopped suddenly and let his body fall to the ground. His face was red and wet with tears.  _ I can’t understand what’s happening. God why can’t I ever understand people? What’s wrong with me? _

Shizuku knelt beside Feitan, as he lay crumpled in the dirt. She didn’t even know Feitan was capable of crying, let alone this display.

“Shizuku, remember mission last?” Feitan’s voice was barely audible.

She thought hard, but now that she was focusing on it, she realized just how foggy her memory was. Then suddenly, something flashed into her mind. An image, Feitan with his back to her, while she lay on the ground. Rain poured violently over them.  _ Was something that happened on the last mission the reason why Feitan is acting like this? Is it why I have these feelings towards Feitan that I don’t understand, why I hesitated with Chrollo? _

“Shizuku!” He yelled, his despair turning to anger. Someone who Shizuku so often thought of as emotionless was displaying a full range of emotions. Again someone close to her was turning into a completely different person. 

_ Why? _

“I remember you,” she said finally.

“What about me? What you remember?”

“It was raining really hard and you were standing in front of me. Protecting me. Cause there were people attacking-” Suddenly everything came back to her. It made sense. _ After that, after Feitan had killed every last one of them, he said something. _

“I call you, stupid.” Feitan wiped his tears.

She looked up at him, her eyes that had been hazy with confusion, sparkled now. “You told me that I had made you worry,” she said “and then you helped me up and said that if I was ever in trouble all I have to do is ask.”

“Shizuku you promised, I be only one to help you,” He wasn’t looking at her anymore. His voice carried less emotion with every word. He was tired of pleading. 

“Feitan, I-”

He stood up, “I don’t care. You and Boss be happy. It do not matter.” He walked off without saying another word. His back turned again. It looked the same as before, but this time he wasn’t going to turn around. And there was no rain to wash away the guilt she felt, only fog the drifted in slowly. Soon Faitan disappeared from view.

_ Dammit! Why can’t I ever do anything right? I always say the wrong thing. Or worse, nothing at all. Why can’t I just say something? _

The area was slowly being consumed by clouds. Their darkness stifling the sun’s rays. As Shizuku looked up at them, she felt a tightening in her chest.  _ Feelings never used to be this difficult.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one more chapter! get ready...


	6. vanilla and...

“Aww what a poor sight.”

Shizuku sprung up to see who it was.

“Hisoka,” she wiped the tears behind her glasses, “I thought you were with Chrollo.”

“I was _.  _ Now I’m here. Isn’t it amazing how things work like that?” He smiled.

Shizuku felt shame, rage, and despair rise up within her and escape all at once, “What the hell do you want? You damn bastard, stop patronizing me!”

“Oh come now, don’t take out your anger on me.” He knelt down and reached for Shizuku’s face.

“Don’t touch me!” She yelled, slapping his hand away.

He laughed, “You know I should really be the one angry with you.”

“What are you talking about?” She hissed.

He licked his lips and pointed a finger at her, “You’re the reason I can’t fight Chrollo, that’s a fair enough reason, right?” 

“How is it my fault you can’t fight Chrollo?” Her voice was void of emotion.

“He’s completely useless right now. All because of your actions. Don’t you feel any sort of pity?” He teased.

“You are such a goddamn asshole Hisoka, but I don’t have the energy to stand up to you right now.” She sighed, “Just go away.”

“Can I offer some advice for your little situation?” He smirked.

“No.”

“Okay, what you need to do is really quite simple,” Shizuku met his gaze with disgust. “All you have to do is leave the troupe.”

“How would that solve anything?” She wanted to get angry with his rash ideas, but she knew getting angry would just exhaust her more. She was mentally, physically, and emotionally drained.  _ I just want to go back to last night.  _

Hisoka stood up from where he was crouching, “You’re causing trouble for everyone else in the troupe. Best if you just remove yourself from the situation.” He had a sickening grin spread across his face.

Shizuku thought for a moment.  _ Maybe it would be better if I left. Chrollo and Feitan wouldn’t get hurt anymore. But, Hisoka, how can I trust a word he’s saying is actually true. He’s got to have another angle.  _

“How can I trust anything you’re saying is for the benefit of the troupe?” She sat up from where she lay crumpled on the floor and watched, as Hisoka sauntered around her.

“You can’t.” Hisoka grinned widely. “I suppose that’s the fun of it. You see, I only take part in things that interest me.” He pointed a finger towards Shizuku, “It just so happens that this little debacle has me captivated. At least, for now.”

Shizuku rolled her eyes and stood up. “This is stupid. I’m just going to talk to Chrollo and apologize to Feitan. I’ve gotten exhausted from hearing you speak.” 

“Oh?” Hisoka smirked. “Taking the obvious choice I see? You’re going to have to be more creative if you want to keep me entertained.”

“I don’t give a damn if you’re entertained! Stop treating everyone you know like your damn toys. I’m doing this cause I want to. That’s all the explanation I need.” Shizuku searched Hisoka's amber eyes for any sort of remorse or sympathy. She found nothing.

Hisoka frowned. His eyes flickered up and down Shizuku’s body, as if he was considering something. Shizuku walked past him.

“Wait!” Hisoka called. “I’ll give you a choice.” 

Shizuku turned around, although she wasn’t entirely sure why. She doubted that Hisoka could have anything she wanted. “Either you leave the troupe forever and never come back, or…” His eyes had a fiery desire in them, “I kill you, right now.”

Shizuku felt her heart thump against her ribs, “Who’s to say you can actually kill me? Maybe I kill you.”

Hisoka smiled, “Do you actually think you could kill me?”

Shizuku blinked, “Probably.”

Hisoka let out a short giggle, “I won’t give you another chance. Leave or die? Which is it?” His eyes had a stoic seriousness in them that they did not often possess. Hisoka’s playful demeanor was replaced by a deathly stare.

Shizuku stared at him, contemplating the weight of his words for a moment. He was serious. But would he actually be able to beat her? 

Suddenly Shizuku felt a warm substance on her throat. And a stinging sensation. More than stinging, it was aching, burning. She reached her hand to it. She pulled back her hand. Her violet eyes met a dark red liquid.

_ Blood? But how? _

Shizuku looked around for Hisoka. A weakness took over her body. She collapsed. 

“I’m sorry. This is my best option.” Shizuku used to last of her strength to roll over and meet the voice. “Chrollo will forget all about his stupid rules when he sees your mutilated body. I hope death isn’t too painful although I would have no idea. Goodbye.” Hisoka turned his back and disappeared into the fog.

_ Why? Why can’t I move? Why did Hisoka say I was going to die? _

Shizuku felt the hot liquid spill from her neck. It pooled underneath her. 

_ What about Chrollo? He never- I never- I never explained- _

She felt her brain slowly draining away. She couldn’t feel her limbs. Her eyesight became dim and blurry.

_ Chrollo- _

She felt warm and cold all at once.

_ I never- _

Soon she couldn’t feel the pain in her throat. The smell of her own blood wafted up to her nose. Something clicked,

_So that’s what it was._ She smiled finally understanding. _That faint_ _aroma from Chrollo that I could never place. All along… it was blood._

_ Vanilla and blood. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry:(


End file.
